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590: God, brush my teeth for me
God, brush my teeth for me

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So long, and thanks for all the fish
BUY FROM THE HOBOUTIQUE

Remember when Black and White first came out, and people were all impressed with how awesome it was? Then after a while they found all the niggly annoying bits, like satisfying your whiny villagers' every miniscule need or your good/evil rating plummets to evil faster than a lead brick in a black hole? Well guess what! They got either got rid of or locked away all the fun stuff in favour of all the crappy stuff! HOORAAAAYY! Sure there's some new crap about armies and whatnot but here's the shortlist of outrages, just from the top of my head:

  • Longest unskippable series of loading screens ever known to man!
  • A new resource, ore, which you need and there is never enough of!
  • Villagers now complain if you have certain types of buildings near each other. You get to be a glorified city planner! (Also they complain if there's too many of the same type of building near each other!)
  • Creature AI is a joke. Training now consists of waiting for a thought bubble, then saying varying degrees of yes/no. If you want him to learn a miracle or something, you get to pay for it!
  • Villagers are now even more dependant upon you, and even whinier!
  • You have to manually assign worshippers instead of just yanking the column in the town center!
  • Black and White 1.1 patch is incompatible with your 1.0 savegames! If you only found this out after you'd gotten to the 4th land you get to start all over again you sons of bitches Lionhead!
  • Your hand gravitates towards any object in the game, making it a pain to try and do things!
  • Actually the whole sensitivity is out of whack compared to the original, ruining the seamlessness!
  • All that bullshit Peter Molineux said about immersion and no toolbars is crapped on by the introduction of the cumbersome, useless and unintuitive toolbar!
  • YOU HAVE TO PAY TO USE GESTURES!
  • Unskippable insulting to a 6 year old's intellect tutorial, until you patch, which wipes your game anyway. If you skip the tutorial you miss out on tribute which you need so you can pay for your goddamn hand gestures which were built into the first bloody game you wankers!
  • Creature fights are pretty much random now, you can't jump in and help out!
  • Picking up trees is evil!
  • Grabbing things from the town store is evil!
  • Not building homes for your villagers is evil!
  • Building cheaper homes, which are the only option because there's only wood and no ore left is evil!
  • No more storing bubble miracles for later maps!
  • No more sending villagers through to the next level using the portal, instead you get to pay for it! Using tribute!
  • The option for 100 soldiers from the last map, which you can only buy once!
  • BLOODY PAYING FOR THINGS WITH BLOODY TRIBUTE!

  • Okay, I'm gonna stop now before I burst something. Tribute is what you earn after doing arbitrary objectives. You can get things ranging from 1,000 to 500,000, depending on the difficulty of the task. Rubbing down sickly old people gets you 10,000 I think. Which I needed so I could buy an upgrade for my creature, so he'd be less useless, as I couldn't train him. HOORAY! Hate Black and White 2 too? Then why not talk about it in the forum! You don't need to be a member to view things, like in the other forum. So yeah, get to that. Anyway, onto other regularly scheduled newspostings. The creationism rant was one of the most popular strips yet, with dozens of emails about the subject. The majority of which were from educated people. As predicted, there were also a number from inhabitants of the shallow end of the gene pool. You know who you are. Fun trivia: The emails from people who complained had elementary school errors in their grammar AND spelling! "Your dumb" is the equivalent of doing the loser L on your forehead to someone with the wrong hand. A good effort though, maybe come back when you finally pass the second grade. And now, you've all been waiting for it, the bizarre linkage: belly buttons! lots of pictures of them. A lot of pictures.

    BUY FROM THE HOBOUTIQUE

    Bigger Than Cheeses

     
    IRC log humour at irc.sorcery.net #btc. (For IRC, we recommend mIRC)
    [22:18] <DangerousCurves> man
    [22:18] <DangerousCurves> now i wanna go into a store
    [22:18] <DangerousCurves> and buy a pregnancy test
    [22:18] <DangerousCurves> then come back in 5 mins and buy some wire coathangers
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